Obedience and Love

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. Hebrews 11:1-2 MSG

“If you love me, show it by doing what I’ve told you…” John 14:15 MSG

Therapy. This is therapy.

For me anyway.

It may not be for you, but that’s your problem. Keep looking. Elsewhere. Cause obviously you ain’t gonna find it here with me. But if what you read here is therapeutic for you, or helps you in any way, then sub. Free or paid, I don’t care, both help, and I’m grateful either way.

I need therapy, in a bad way. I’m so far out on the ragged edge right now, my ass might as well be in a different time zone. So, let’s get therapied, therapized, whatever…

My beautiful wife, whom I love dearly and would give up anything for, do anything for, started a business. It cost some not small amount of money to get started. And there’s been no revenue coming in as of yet. And things are tight and getting scary.

Honestly, they’re more than tight. I currently do not know how everything that needs to get paid, will get paid. Unless there’s a sale, and revenue comes in. Which is entirely in His hands.

She’s worked hard, my precious little wife. Worked her little Italian ass off. And the Bible is very clear in that all hard work will profit. We are holding firm to that. But we also recognize that not all of our current financial challenges are due to the investment into this new venture. We’ve made mistakes, bought some stupid stuff, not always paid attention to what is going out versus what is coming in.

We’ve been bad stewards. For a long time.

God hasn’t abandon us. He’s given instruction, provided small amounts right when they were needed. But the major relief that would help solve a lot of issues? Not yet.

The word that I’ve gotten is “I’m coming. It’s going to be ok”. Which is very helpful and reassuring. Problem is, I’m the only one who’s heard it. So, when my wife is pressing me for “the plan”, hitting my every suggestion and idea with “but this”…I start to get frustrated, then irritated, then upset, then angry, then right and royally pissed off. Today, I told her to go get her reassurance from God herself, cause she obviously isn’t getting it from me. Please God, just tell her what You’ve told me. Frustrating.

Also, in the thick of the emotions of the scene described above, I can find myself beginning to question what I’ve heard from Him. As well as in the quiet afterward, when I’m alone but reliving the moment, going back over the bills and the spreadsheet. Doubt, fear, panic. Questioning and pleading and praying for Him to move, for something to sell, for a break in the storm. Please God, please come through. And not just for our financial benefit, but for my wife, cause she sure could use the validation that her work is good, and worth money to someone. So please, move.

The whole day has been like this. In my time with Him this morning, tears. In the time in between that and our almost argument, prayers. After that, pleading. Then more time in the spreadsheet. Have I told you that I hate excel? Burn it with fire and launch it into space after running over it with a truck and shooting it with a full mag of incendiary rounds.

This last Sunday I found myself sitting in a class with about 40 others. It’s a financial workshop class hosted by my church. Basically, it’s for those of us who’ve proven too stupid to handle money. Oh, and those who are just starting out in life but are there to learn how not to be stupid early on…I hate them, shoot them into space with excel.

It was embarrassing and humbling, sitting there with my workbook, taking notes and feeling dumb. I’m a leader in our church, and yet here I am, sitting in this class with my spiritual dunce cap on. A dumbass.

Yet, I will return next week. And the week after, for 7 weeks. Because He’s told me that this is where I’m supposed to be. That it is time that I learn how to handle money and be a good steward of what He gives me. And don’t get me wrong, I’m ready to learn, despite the humility. But the main reason I’m in this class?

I love Him. And if I claim to love Him, then I will obey Him. He made that pretty clear in the Book of John. So, off I go. Obedient. Cause He didn’t say “If you love me, then I’ll make it easy for you”. Nope, just said “be obedient”. It sucks sometimes, but this is what I signed up for. I hope you realized that when you signed up, that you agreed to live a life of “not always easy”. Or as the SEALS put it, “no easy day”.

So I have a choice to make in this season; I can give into the fear and try to fix this myself, cause believe me I’ve been tempted. Take out another loan, consolidate everything, or break our lease and move somewhere stupidly cheap yet probably not so safe, or just curl up in a ball and let fear have a field day.

Or, trust that I will find that firm foundation mentioned above. Cause I want to live a life worth living. I want to have a handle on that which we can’t see. I don’t want to live a life of normal, or what the world considers life. I signed up for whatever life Jesus chose for me to live. And right now, it’s this. Living right here in the not knowing how all the bills will get paid. Trying to learn to be the assurance that my wife needs, be her rock as I was created to be. Be her shelter. Cause learning to balance a checkbook isn’t the only thing I need to learn.

By allowing us to get into this situation I’ve failed her. I failed to provide sheltering and assurance. I’m not just learning to handle money. I’m learning how there’s one more area where I need to learn how to be a man and a husband. I’ve had to learn other areas. I survived those lessons. And if the promises that He’s spoken over me are true, then I’ll survive this one too. And be the better for it.

Finally, the last question. Why now? Why this lesson at this time?

Because of His great work in me, His healing me of my addictions and demons, and His strength that He’s built up in me. Because of all this, this is now the time and season. Because I’ll listen, and trust, and do.

Because I love Him. Wholeheartedly.

Be blessed, be strong…Jason.

All Scripture quotations are taken from The Message, copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. . All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers.

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